


The abyss of her pain

by SinGala



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, SuperCorp Big Bang 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26900668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinGala/pseuds/SinGala
Summary: When Lena comes back to Kara, she finally shows all of her vulnerability. When Kara finally sees her friend for who she is, when she finally understands what she went through, she makes a promise that she isn't going to break.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57
Collections: Supercorp Big Bang 2020





	The abyss of her pain

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Kara & Lena || The Abyss of Her Pain](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/698305) by kswhateverspace. 



Here she was, tears in her eyes, almost unable to look at me. She seemed so fragile, so vulnerable, like on the verge of breaking, and I just wanted to go and hug her. She was my best friend for Rao's sake! She was the one I promised to keep safe… a promise I sadly didn't keep.

She started to move forward a little, her fingers intertwined in each other, glancing at the floor. I so badly wanted to go to her, help relieve the pain I saw on her face, but I just couldn't. As much as I hated thinking like this, I needed to be sure that it all wasn't a ruse of some kind. I needed to be sure that she was sincere in her intentions; and to do that, I needed to wait, to listen to her… to hold my arms around me even though they ached to be around her. 

She talked a lot. She apologized a lot too. Her eyes, pleading for understanding, for forgiveness. Her voice was soft, and at times almost inaudible, but I could still hear the sobs threatening to come out of her. 

During what seemed like an eternity, she explained what had happened in her mind and her life. She admitted that she was making a mistake with  _ Non Nocere _ , even though at that time she really thought she was doing this for a greater good. She admitted that she had been hurt, but that she finally understood why I took so long to tell her my secret. She admitted that she missed our friendship and that she felt so lonely that she began trusting her brother again, against what her entire soul was telling her. “I needed to feel that someone was there for me”, were her own words. 

I felt my heart shatter a little more each time she opened her mouth in order to speak, but these words were what took the final blow on my walls. A lonely tear rolled on my cheek, nothing in comparison of the many that had leaked out of her eyes during her laboured speech. Fortunately, she was so focused on her restless hands that she didn't see me wipe it away. My brain stopped a second at that thought of fortune, and I started asking myself why I thought it. Was I ashamed of feeling this way? No… It definitely couldn’t be this. The only logical reason, twirling in my brain, was that I just didn’t want to let my guard down right now, not in front of her, not like this. She had managed to break down the walls I had put on my heart, but maybe I just wasn’t yet ready to cry in front of her again. Maybe I just needed some time before I could be as open and vulnerable, and true, as I was before all of this. It was the only explanation that made sense in my hurting heart and foggy brain. But somehow, this explanation that I created in my mind didn’t seem true, at least not entirely. But in this case, what was? I didn’t want to be vulnerable, alright, check. I didn’t want to let her see my pain and my relief. Yeah, check too. Something was still missing though. I didn’t… I didn’t want her to… I didn’t want her to feel guilty, or hurt, or to take all the responsibility of my pain and relief. At this thought, it felt in my mind like I had discovered something, even though I couldn’t put a name on it just yet. But, even without a name for it, it was clear to me now that as much as I didn’t want her to see me vulnerable right now, I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. Or more exactly, I didn’t want her to put guilt and false responsibilities on herself. She was already apologizing for her mistakes, I just didn’t want her to feel like she needed to apologize for mine too. 

After a few minutes of silence, she glanced at me. Taking this as a sign that it was my turn to speak, I took some seconds to reboot my brain and think of something. But nothing arrived. My head was just blank. All I could focus on was the light stains left by the tears on her pale skin. I just… I had to believe her, my heart just wouldn't survive if I rejected her now. So, slowly, I reached for her. My hands started going for her face, wiping away the remnants of her pain, and I could almost already sense her letting her guard down. She seemed so relieved, and, closing her eyes for just an instant, I felt her nuzzling a little in my hands. When I finally took them back to my side, I could see how much this simple action had lifted her heart again, even if she still looked so lost and broken for my own heart to bear.

I saw her close her eyes once again, just a few seconds, letting a breath slip through her parted lips. When she opened them anew, she managed to lock them on mine, and I just couldn't doubt her sincerity anymore. 

This time, I was going to keep my promise to her.

To be honest, I didn’t sleep much tonight. All my thoughts were twirling in my mind about one person and one person only.

Lena.

She once was everything to me. In a way, she still was. I knew, at the bottom of my heart, that it was my fault, at least in some ways, if she had gone back to her brother. Even she had managed to understand that through her pain. 

Laying on my couch, I stared at the ceiling. I had given her my bed a few hours before, right after the end of our discussion. At first, she was adamant on going back to her home, but her eyes were still too glassy, too full of pain, tears, and even fear, that I just wouldn’t have been able to sleep at all had she went alone to her home. So… I decided to let her stay over tonight. I gave her my bed, some pyjamas, and a toothbrush, and a few minutes after she was settled, ready to sleep. Or at least, I hoped she slept. She needed it. Well, to be totally honest, we both needed it. Last night, hell! The last few months! Had been so full of pent-up emotions, of anger, rage and solitude, of pain, tears and hurtful things, that it had been so tiring. For once, I actually believed I would be able to sleep without this knot in my stomach that appeared on the day Lena turned her back on me, but apparently, that wasn’t going to happen this night… 

Even though I had made my decision to work with her, to maybe even become her best friend again, I still felt uneasy around her. Not so much because of her, more because of myself. _I_ was the one who put her through all this pain these last months. _I_ was the one who lied to her when pretending not to. _I_ was the one who pushed her to feel like the Luthors’, of all people, were all she had left. _I_ was the one who hurt her… and I just couldn’t forget it, I couldn’t forgive myself for putting her through all of this. She didn’t deserve it, and even after all that had happened these last months, I still didn’t think she deserved it. I was the guilty one, and the weight was still hanging on my chest. 

At these thoughts, I felt my eyes starting to sting again with tears. This time, I let them fall. Hiding the sobs with my pillow, I let it all out, all the pain I myself felt, all the guilt, all that was the last months. If I was to be better, to keep my promise to Lena, I needed to let it all out before we could really start our relationship again. It wouldn’t do any of us any good if I was stuck on all of this.

But it was hard, I was feeling them so badly… All the pieces of my heart, stomped and crushed underneath the memories of these last months. It had been broken so much already, and each time I managed to move forward even though everything in me was aching. This time, I really hoped I could fix it before being there for Lena again. I knew that if I wanted our relationship to go back on good tracks I needed to glue back my heart. But of course, wanting it and doing it were two totally different things… My poor heart wasn't going to be okay all of a sudden, no matter how much I wished for it. This would be too easy… However, this didn’t mean I couldn’t put it all aside, at least until it didn’t hurt this much… Until I could take the time to mend it. After all, me breaking down wasn’t what Lena needed right now, it wasn’t what Alex needed either, nor the world. I was Supergirl, I was the girl of steel! And, as I imagined my heart being put on a steel box, I started hurting a little less, until finally, I calmed down. I wiped my tears away, swallowing the pressure on my throat and chest, and finally, I exhaled what seemed to me like everything. I knew it wouldn’t be so easy, I even knew, deep down, that this wasn’t the right way to go with all this. But I also knew that this was what was the best. At least for now. Or I hoped so... 

Feeling thirsty, I got up from the couch and, on the way over the kitchen, my mind raced: how will the others react? How will I tell them? I knew they all loved Lena, but, last months were rough for them too… and I couldn’t help but feel a little anxious about their next meeting.

Glancing at the clock on my wall, I sighed. I had spent most of the night thinking and sobbing. Without really putting much thoughts into what I was doing, I didn’t return straight to my couch, but instead, I went towards my bedroom. In my head, I just wanted to check on her, verify that she was asleep, that she was fine, that she was here and all of this hadn’t been some kind of weird dream. 

I slightly opened the door, making as little noise as I could. And here I saw her. She was curled up at the far end of the bed, clutching the sheets with what seems like all of her strength. The descending moon illuminated the room with a pale and dark light creating shadows on the white, flowery, bed-sheets that now were tangled around her slightly trembling body. Her hair was all around her face, hiding it from my view… Wait. “slightly trembling body”? My mind went racing trying to understand what this meant. Was she crying? Was she cold? Was she having a nightmare? A panic attack? My own heart started wavering, and, against my better judgement, I decided to go check on what seemed like her sleeping form in the dark

I slowly walked to her side of the bed, and my brows furrowed some more. She was asleep, so at least that was good news, but other than that, nothing seemed to be good. She was still trembling, gripping the sheets with so much strength that her knuckles were bright white under the grey light of the moon. Gently, I took strands of her hair out of her face, and that’s when I saw them, the tears, leaking from her eyes even though she was apparently asleep. I was trying to figure out what to do when the answer came by itself. 

Suddenly, I heard her breathing becoming harsher, I saw her body tense, her tears falling faster, and I heard her heart speed up. It was too much for me, and without thinking much more, I put my hand on her shoulder, gently pressing, and softly calling her name to wake her up. 

That, unfortunately, didn’t have the wanted effect. 

Indeed, instead of waking up from what I only supposed was a nightmare at the time, she seemed to retreat further into her mind. At the contact of my hand on her body, she tensed herself up and started to scurry away as much as she could. At the mention of her name, I saw her hands desperately trying to cover her ears. I was quite taken aback by this rather impressive reaction and quickly realised that it wasn’t just some basic nightmare. My mind was racing, trying to figure out how to react, how to help her. Nothing came. Each time I touched her, talked to her, or even just moved around her, she seemed to back away further and further. I felt my own panic beginning to rise. I didn’t know what to do, so here I was, once again letting Lena down. As much as I was starting to panic about her well-being, I still felt some part of my mind telling me nonsense. Somehow, I managed to get even more panicky at some insane thoughts that my afraid mind kept telling me. What if she was afraid of me? What if I never could fix these last months?

It took her a few minutes of utter panic and terror before I managed to see her calm down a little. I could sense she still wasn’t really there with me, hell, she didn’t even open up her eyes! But at least, she was no longer backing away as fast as she could. Seeing this, I slowly approached again. First, I talked to her, tentatively trying to let her know that I was here, that whatever she was experiencing right now, she wasn’t alone. When I saw that she didn’t flinch anymore at the sound of my voice and that her breathing was becoming lighter, I tried putting my hand on hers, while still talking to her and reassuring her the best I could. This time, she leaned into my hand, intertwining our fingers together and squeezing it as hard as she could. I could never have imagined what physical strength a little woman like her could have, but I was certain she would have broken my hand, had I not been a Kryptonian!

I was a little lost in my thoughts when I finally saw her wake up. Her eyes were full of midst and I could still see some terror and tears lingering in them. Slowly, she sat up, unlocking our hands, and putting them on her head. It felt weird when our hands separated, they’d only been intertwined for a few minutes, maybe even only a few seconds, - my notion of time wasn’t really good after what had happened…-, but when hers got away, I felt like something was missing. At least that was the most resembling sensation. This was strange, to say the least, and I was going to think about it more, but Lena was still waking up, and I needed to be here for her, so I shoved this feeling down and focused back on her. 

Her head was still held by her hands whose elbows were on her knees. I could almost see the machinery in her mind turning at full speed. I tried looking in her eyes, I always knew how to read her by reading her eyes, but, consciously or not, she was looking down, hiding them from me. 

“Lena? Lena, look at me please.” At first, no response, and I was ready to ask again, but then I finally saw them, her beautiful green orbs. “Are you okay?” was my next words, and I knew it wasn’t very intelligent of me to ask her that… or at least not like that, but I didn’t want to scare her more than she already was. I released a breath I didn’t know I had kept when she nodded a yes, and, without really thinking, I went to hug her. 

She was surprised, to say the least, and to be honest, she wasn’t the only one. But after the surprise passed, she let herself go into my embrace, and I felt her relax. Now that I had her between my arms like before, I myself felt more relaxed, and mostly, I felt like I was just where I was supposed to be. One thing and one thing only came to my mind at the instant: I wanted to feel this every hour of every day. I just wanted to stay there, protecting her, being here for her… Having her in my arms. How had I been capable of living far from her these last months? Far from her arms, from her body, from her eyes, from her mind, from her… friendship? The word resonated strangely in my mind, it wasn’t totally accurate I thought, but what was then? 

Lena must have sensed my intense thinking because she escaped from my arms and took a long look into my eyes, trying to see what was wrong with me. She was always so selfless, always trying to help the other, to do what was needed for the greater good, even though she never got the help and love she needed. She was an inspiration for me, and she had been since I met her at her office with Clark. Without even knowing her really, I felt a strange aura of kindness, of altruism, and, of course, of intelligence. She seemed so powerful, and yet so accessible, so… like everybody. She was rich, intelligent, beautiful, the heir of one of the most infamous families, and yet here she was, emanating this aura of goodness. It was a day I knew I’d always remember. 

“Kara?”

I had been so caught up in my mind, reminiscing of our meeting that I’d almost forgotten about her worried look posed upon me. Looking into her big green eyes, only one word came to my mind. And at this moment, I realized something I never would have thought of before… 

_ Love _ . 

I was in  _ love _ with her!

_ I _ was in  _ love _ with  _ Lena Luthor _ ! 

The implications of this were blowing my mind, but in a way it just made so much more sense now, it explained so much, but it also came with its loads of questions. Why didn’t I realize this sooner? Would have things been different?… What does she feel about me? 

So many questions swirling in my mind. I wasn’t able to answer any of them, at least not yet, but it felt like I had just uncovered something so important, something life-changing. And, well, how hadn’t I seen it before? I mean, it was pretty visible now that I thought about it. It even explained, in a kind of twisted way why I didn’t want her to see me cry earlier. I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already had because not only did I liked her as a friend, as my best friend even, I also simply loved her. It explained everything! All the things I had been feeling, all the pain, the hurt, the tears, the guilt. The sensation of having my heart ripped apart from my chest each time I saw her come closer to her brother. Each time she turned her back on me. Each time I hurt her, and she hurt me in return. It was just so right in my mind right now! All fell into places! But not only did I now see all the pain that we caused each other, that my feelings for her may have induced in me, I also saw her for who she really was, for who she  _ is _ . 

_ The  _ Lena Luthor. 

However, some part of me just kept asking: when did it all started? When did I fall so hard for my best friend? I couldn't tell… In a way, it all seemed so fuzzy in my mind. Every coherent thought I tried to have about this just seemed to blur itself in a wave of butterflies and serenity. It was like everything that was before now didn’t really exist, or more exactly, didn’t really matter. I found myself thinking that maybe our relationship just started. Or, to be more clear, more realist, my vision of our relationship had become so new now that I had discovered this new information that nothing before could be as important as what could now happen. I quickly quit the idea of getting my mind to tell me something useful about when it all started though… All it could get me right now was all that was Lena, all that I saw without really seeing these last few years, all that I now knew I loved. 

“Kara!”

I was taken aback by the nervousness in her voice, and, looking at her, all the questions disappeared: I was in love with my best friend, and I had promised to keep her safe. And this was exactly what I was going to do from now on, and for as long as she’ll let me.

“I’m alright, don’t worry. Do you need anything? Do you… Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I… It’s not… It’s nothing important, it’s not worth talking about. Just a little nightmare, it’s not… It’s not a big deal.”

If there was one thing she wasn’t good at, it was lying. I knew it wasn’t just any nightmare, she had a freaking panic attack for Rao’s sake! I tried to make her talk a little about it despite her reluctance, but nothing worked. I finally let it go, hoping she’ll talk to me when she’d be ready. She was as stubborn as she was beautiful: an awful lot! 

Reluctantly, I left the room to let her fall back to sleep again. If I wasn’t able to sleep before, this time, I wasn’t even trying. My mind came racing again. This time, however, I managed to get some more coherent thoughts about Lena, not as coherent as I would have liked (I still had so many questions !), but it still was something.

It was all here in my head, how brilliant she was, how smart. How she had saved the world so many times already, without even searching any recognition for it. How she had just done it because she wanted to help people, she wanted to save people, and because, deep down, she needed to feel like a hero for once. How she had even saved me more time than I could count. More time probably than I had saved her, even if it wasn’t a competition. I owed her my life. And then it all came back to me, not that it was very far anyway, all the times she did something to be better, to help people be better, to make the world itself a better place to live, for us, our generation, but also, and maybe even mainly, for the future ones. She never lost hope in humanity even though what she had to endure at the Luthors’ hands. She never stopped loving, giving her love by charities, by donations, by technologies, but most importantly by her kindness and her aura of sunshine. I chuckled internally at this thought. After all,  _ I _ was the embodiment of sunshine, at least according to most people. If some of them heard me thinking of the mighty Lena Luthor as some kind of sun-representation, they would surely drop dead right there and know. And this thought came with others, where my mind realized again like it was new information now that I put a name on what I was feeling toward her, that even though her heart was so shiny and she was so pure and kind, there would always be people who would condemn her for just being a Luthor. It was all so unbelievable! This poor, beautiful, woman, could do all the good she could, it would never be enough for some… And this wasn’t even her fault! She was paying for Lilian and Lex’s crimes! This was so unfair!

I sat down on the couch with my laptop, all the while listening to the sounds coming from the bedroom. I wanted to intervene as fast as I could if something happened again. For a while, I just sat there, laptop on my knees, cuddled up in my blanket, listening to her breathing, to her heartbeat. She wasn’t falling back asleep, and I was hearing her soft sobs. She was crying, and this broke my heart yet again. I heard her shift under the covers, and then I heard light footsteps. Progressively, all sounds diminished, and all I could hear was her heart and her soft breathing. She seemed to calm down, and as I understood this, I started to focus on the screen in front of me. 

I didn’t really know what to do, but I figured that I could try to find some new information about Lex and Leviathan. At least, that's what I said to myself. However, I quickly started to search for something else. Before I knew it, I was looking at sites about panic attacks, trauma and PTSD. I read about the symptoms, the different causes, about the way it could affect people in their daily lives, in their relationship, in their confidence, in their comportment… I read scientific articles, testimonies, forums, blogs… I read all that I could find, the gears in my mind turning at an exponential speed. 

I was putting two and two together, and it made me sick. 

I wasn’t an idiot, at least I hoped I wasn’t. But even though my empathy, my compassion, my understanding of people and my intelligence, I still hadn’t been able to see what she was living with.

Of course, I knew that living with the Luthors must not have been easy, I knew some of the consequences of their rough and unloving education, but I didn’t think at all of this as something as big as traumas, at least until now. Now that I had seen it, however, I couldn’t put it out of my mind, and all the little things that Lena had done, or said, was coming back to me, and I started analysing it all from this new point of view. 

I started with the things I had already seen: her total lack of self-confidence, her uneasiness around people, her lack of trust of others, her workaholism, the facade she put in front of everybody, especially at her work… All of this, I knew about, or at least I had seen, but I hadn’t given it much thought before. But now I was seeing it for what it was: responses to the way she was treated growing up. She had been unwanted, she had been denigrated, she had been gaslighted, but worst of all, she had been unloved and uncared for. No wonder she wasn’t comfortable around people, all those she grew up with lied, manipulated and made her feel like she was worth nothing. The only person who had truly loved her had died, leaving her with guilt, and abandonment issues, that the Luthor did nothing to suppress. From what I had understood, they even played with it, using her guilt, her fears, as leverage to make her do what they wanted, to make her feel even more lonely than she already was. Of course, she had to find something to try and be good at in order to be seen, to feel some love or at least some recognition from them… and of course, it was all still here today. I had lost count of all the nights I had seen her office light on, or the number of meals I learned she had skipped in order to be more productive. It already worried me then, but now it was even more present in my mind. 

Something suddenly came up in my mind, a memory, of when Morgan Edge had framed her then tried to kill her in the process. She had been so lost, so fragile and so vulnerable during this time. At the moment I tried my best to help her, as Kara and as Supergirl, but I hadn’t really taken the time to analyze her reactions as much as I should have. Her breakdown at Sam’s house wasn’t just because she was framed for something she felt guilty for. It was part of it, obviously, but it was also here again because of what she had been put through growing up: she was constantly trying to prove herself, to everyone, and the thought of having failed at this, (again, would have said Lilian), had been too much to bear for her. What little self-confidence and feeling of accomplishment she had managed to get with L Corp disappeared in one moment, because of one lie. This lie had broken her once again. Something else bothered me about this event, and I realized that I should have put more thoughts about, way before this night. I replayed the scene of what happened when the plane cracked open in two. She had been ready to sacrifice herself. At least, I had seen it like this at the time, and to be honest I still thought that it was in part the idea behind her decision of dying on this day. But it made me think of all the times she had put herself in danger, with nothing to protect her, and I started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t just because of some recklessness or grand idea of sacrifice for the greater good. I started to wonder if maybe she did want to die. I wanted to put this thought away, to find evidence that it was a crazy idea, but weirdly, it made sense. 

The door opened, startling me and making me realize that the sun was starting to rise. Lena was coming out of the room, still not looking at me. She had already put her yesterday clothes back on, and I was pretty sure she had already freshened her up in the bathroom before going out of the bedroom. Noticing this, I couldn’t help but link it to her education too: she had to appear perfect at all times, without perfection she was worth even less than nothing. Without perfection, she didn’t deserve to be in the company of people, to be a Luthor. 

Despite all these thoughts, I smiled at her. She seemed nervous, playing again with her hands, looking everywhere and nowhere at the same time, standing at the centre of the room, not knowing what to do, where to go. 

“Hi… Thanks for the bed, I think I’m gonna go back to my place. I don’t want to burden you more, and I… I have some work I need to do.”

I sighed. Now that I had seen it, I was unable to not notice it. It even was pretty clear this time. I thought for a second at what was the best course of action right now. I was still thinking about it when I saw her starting to get to the door. 

“Stay! Please.”

My own voice surprised me, I sounded so distressed. Seeing the concern creeping up on her face I quickly reassured her by going to the kitchen.

“Let me at least make you some breakfast.”

She hesitated, her hand on the doorknob, and finally, I saw her let it go and she came to sit in front of me on the barstool she always used when she came to the apartment. For a second, I felt like all these months never existed, that today was just another day that we would be spending together, with nothing between us other than our affection for each other. 

“I’m… I’m sorry about tonight.”

“About what?”

“Waking you up… Keeping you up… You were kind enough to lend me your bed and I was so ungrateful…”

My mind went blank hearing these words, and here again, I saw what I wouldn’t have seen before: the reasons behind this. Her lack of confidence, I would have seen, her uneasiness, I would have seen, but the fact that it was because of the Luthors, because of how many betrayals she had suffered, of how many cruel words she had to endure, this I would have missed. All her history seemed to unravel itself in front of me now that the realisation of her reality struck me, and it was like a kick in my face each time I understood something new. No one deserved to be treated like this, to live with all this pain, to grow without love. Knowing that it was what Lena had to live through made me sick. Knowing that it was all she could see as normal, made me want to scream. Knowing that she didn’t see herself worthy of anything, made me want to punch something… someone.

Slowly, my hands reached for hers, and, securing them in mine, I locked my gaze with hers. Her green eyes were again full of silent tears, and my heart sank a little more at the thought of how much she had cried since last night… How much she must have cried these last months… All her life even.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing, you hear me?”

My eyes stayed locked on hers until a silent and lonely tear came rolling on her cheek making her look down at the table. I knew she didn’t believe me. It wasn’t hard to see that she still felt guilty too. But this wasn’t going to stop me. One day or another she would believe me. One day or another, she would stop apologizing for nothing and everything.

While I was preparing breakfast, my mind went wandering to the events of the day before. I had been so surprised when I heard a soft and shy knock on the door. I had been even more surprised when I had seen who was behind the door. To be honest, I froze when I first opened it. I had no idea how to react, and I still didn’t really know how to now. This situation was just so messed up. 

“Lena? Can I ask you a question?” 

“Yes, yes of course.”

“Can you promise me to answer it honestly?”

“Kara, that’s not fair to ask — ”

“Please.”

“...I’ll be as honest as I can..”

“Are you okay?”

I saw her take a deep breath, and, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, she gazed upon me, her eyes no longer looking down. She wasn’t going to lie, she was going to be honest, and I was certain of it because right now, she wasn’t hiding herself anymore. I saw her struggling a little and then her eyes met mine and she started to speak again. 

“No, I’m not.”

I waited for an instant. I could read on her face that she wanted so badly to talk, to tell things, but I wasn’t sure if she'd do it now. Her admission was already a lot coming from her. If I had learnt one thing over the years at her side, it was that she didn’t have the habit of complaining, or even just tell how she was. She had the habit, however, to keep it all pent up in her. So it was much of a surprise when she started speaking again.

“I’m… I’m not okay. It’s been a long time that I haven’t been. I don’t… I don’t even know if I really ever was.” 

Yet again, I wanted so badly to go and hug her. Her eyes had gone back to her laps, and as she was opening herself to me, I could see all of her sadness, all of her pain. This time again, I didn’t come to hug her, I didn’t speak either, but it wasn’t for the same reason. Where yesterday I refrained myself because I feared I would be hurt, today I refrained myself to give her space, to let her find the confidence, the trust, to open up to me. I didn’t want to stop her in her tracks by moving or speaking. It was enough of a miracle that she would say these things.

I saw her searching for her words, it wasn’t something she was used to. And finally, it all came running once she opened her mouth and her heart once again. It was like all that she never said, all that she had kept hidden inside of her came back rushing, running, stumbling out of her. She freed herself, and I couldn’t help but let a little smile crept up on my face at this.

“I don’t even know how I feel really! I don’t know  _ what _ I feel! All I sense in me is some kind of numbness. I’m empty, I’ve always been, but it’s not getting easier. The only thing that makes me want to leave my bed, that makes me want to… live, is my work. And even that I ruined by letting Lex corrupt it once again! I… I… I’m just so lost! My entire life has been about trying to get some recognition for what I was doing, for my work, for myself, but I never succeeded. I guess Lilian was right… I’m just not worth it, and I’ll never be. What’s the point of trying then? When you know you’re destined to fail miserably? I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t fight against what they told me, because they were right… And I know this should hurt me in some way, but I can’t even feel it, I can’t even feel the pain! Nothing makes sense anymore… And you, you shouldn’t be here listening to me complaining, I’m not… You must have more important things to do, and I’m keeping you away from them… I’m… I’m sorry… I’ll go back to my place.”

It all got out of hand so fast that I didn’t even have the time to react. Before I knew it she was at the door, throwing me a last “Thank you” before going out. 

It took me a second, but once the surprise passed, I sped outside to stop her. Going out myself, I realized I must have waited a little longer than a second because she was nowhere to be seen. Using my hearing, I searched for her heartbeat, and at first, I was relieved when I heard it not far from where I was, but when I heard it beating faster and faster, I started to panic myself. Going as fast as I could, I managed to find her on a bench, sitting under a tree in the park. At first, I was surprised to see her: she seemed calm, nothing like her heartbeat. But, as I approached, I saw that she had frozen, her eyes locked on something or someone. I slowly turned, and following her gaze, I saw it, saw them. Across the little dirt road, two people were arguing. Well, not exactly. From where we were, it seemed more like the older man was exploding from rage and letting it all be discharged on the younger one in front of him. At first, I didn’t understand why this was what she froze upon. But, when my eyes let go of the two men in order to look at Lena again, it struck me. She was seeing herself in this situation. She was the young man, unable to do anything but listen and take it all in. 

I couldn’t let her stay like this. 

And to be honest, I couldn’t let the men either.

I thought for a moment at who was going to intervene: Kara or Supergirl? I decided on the latter, Kara wouldn’t have as much authority as Supergirl. She wouldn’t be listened to like Supergirl. Once my decision made I rushed at their side, and as soon as they saw me, they stopped arguing. They were looking at me with awe and, now that the older man had stopped screaming to the younger one, I was able to help them talk calmly. Turns out it was only because of some girl the younger one had flirted with… 

Anywho, once they left without arguing anymore, I came back to Lena’s side. Her heart was slowly calming, but I could see that she was still locked in her head. I wondered for a moment who she was seeing opposite herself: Lilian? Lex? Lionel? My money was on Lex, he was the one with a quick-temper, at least from what I had seen. Lilian used much more manipulation and gaslighting. As for Lionel, well I didn’t exactly know, but I still had a vague idea that he wasn’t the father of the year either. 

I slowly sat at her side, not wanting to scare her more. I called her name, once, twice, and at the third time, she finally seemed to come back to her senses. She blinked a little, like coming back from a deep sleep, and then, looking around her, she seemed to remember what had happened, and, looking at me, I saw her surprise. She didn’t think I would come after her, she didn’t think she was worth it, at least that’s what I managed to understand. Nothing new in a way, but it still wasn’t easy to get with. I took one of her hands in mine, grounding her with me, here and now. My other hand cupped her cheek, coaxing her to look at me. Her eyes were wandering everywhere, slightly panicky again and I wanted her to feel safe, to just focus on me, to show her that I was here for her, that she wasn’t alone anymore. 

That she was loved.

Her eyes were glassy, and I could see that she still wasn’t totally with me. She was still lost in her mind, she was still with them. We sat there for a little while before I managed to get her out of her thoughts and with me again, in the real, actual world. 

Once this was done, we stayed quiet a little more, and finally, she let herself fall into my arms so that I could hug her. In a way, it seemed like none of these months had happened, that we were never far from the other, that we were never hurting each other. But we both knew this wasn’t true, and it was even clearer when the hug came to an end. She wasn’t relieved like she used to after one of our hugs, I wasn’t feeling quite like it either. It seemed… strange. Something had changed, for the better or the worst, we didn’t know yet, but one thing was sure, we wouldn’t be able to go back to how we were before it all. At this thought, I was strangely relieved, and that’s when it came back to my mind, the thing that I had put back as far as I could so as to not burden Lena with it yet, so as to not challenge our relationship more than it already was. 

I loved her.

I loved her, but... 

I loved her, but right now, she needed a friend.

I loved her, but right now it would only complicate things.

I  _ loved _ her, but I didn’t know how to act… How she’ll react.

I started to wonder… Was she feeling the same thing? Was she as lost as I was right now? Well, of course, she was lost, but for some other reasons that were going to make me angry if I thought too long about them. But was she lost about her feelings too? Her feelings for me? As much as I hoped she did, I hoped she didn’t: I didn’t want her to be even more lost than she already was. She needed some stability, things that she was sure of. And if it meant our friendship, then so be it. At least that’s what I wanted to think. But that was what tortured my mind right now: I didn’t know, but once again I pushed it all at the back of my mind. This wasn’t what was important right now. Her well-being was, and I wasn’t going to put her through more than she already had to endure these last hours, months, years, and all of her life. 

We stayed like this, in silence, for a few minutes, before she spoke again, softly.

“I… You can go home Kara, I’m fine. I… I’ll just walk home, I’ll be alright, don’t worry.”

This again… I rolled my eyes at her stubbornness but was taken aback when she continued, almost inaudibly.

“I don’t want to make a mistake… Don’t want to ruin our friendship… again…” 

“Ruin our friendship? What... What do you mean?”

“I… Nothing, it’s nothing. I’m just… I’m just not an easy person to love...”

Rao, she was unnerving! And I was so tired from not sleeping that night… and the other nights too… I just didn’t think, and let things happen before my eyes. I felt like I was watching myself, I couldn’t stop me, I could only watch and pray.

“You know what, you don’t have to be afraid of ruining our friendship. It wasn’t your fault the first time around, and it won’t be your fault this time. If this didn’t turn out like I hope, know that I’ll still be there for you no matter what, and if our friendship is ruined because of what I’m about to do, then you’ll be able to blame me. Not you, alright?”

I didn’t let her answer, I didn’t let her understand what I was saying, I just cupped her face between my hands, my finger tenderly caressing the tips of her hairs, and slowly, but surprisingly confidently, I moved forward… and kissed her.

It was tender and calm. I felt like some kind of sun was glowing inside of me. I finally felt at the right place, at the right time, and more importantly, with the right person. It all seemed to fall in place. Nothing else mattered at the moment, it was just her and me, her lips against mine, her skin against mine. But unfortunately… it didn't last more than a few seconds. 

Quickly after the surprise was dismissed, I felt her back away and I crashed down into reality again. My first instinct was to check on her, see how she was, what she was thinking, and if I had ruined it all. At the first glance, I maintained some kind of hope that it wasn't totally a wrong decision, but as I saw her starting to stand up and making some excuses in order to leave, my hopes went crumbling on the floor with the remnants of my heart. 

I still managed to have half a mind to stop her one last time though. Apologizing mostly, but also telling her how I felt. I figured that if this was the end again, she at least deserved the entire truth, even if I myself didn't understand it all yet. She took some time before answering, and even if it wasn't exactly the kind of answer I had expected, it still was much better than what I had feared.

"I can't…  _ We _ can't. Not right now at least. I'm, I'm sorry Kara. I… We just found ourselves again, I don't… I don't want to throw it all away in a rush. I mean, it's… It's just too soon. I'm sorry Kara, I'm just not ready, not yet."

And on these words, she left, letting me hanging on a thread of light hope while at the same time my heart was still shattered on the ground and trampled on by her rejection. I stayed some time sitting here on this bench, wondering, thinking. I didn’t really know what had happened to my idea of waiting, of not telling her this right now, right here. I felt guilty of putting this on her, especially now that I knew all that she had to live with every day. Or at least what I saw, what I imagined, and what I concluded by seeing and talking with her all these years. But at least I had been totally honest with her this time. This was something that I tried to remember in order to not fustigate myself too much. At least she couldn’t say that I had lied to her this time. That was a small consolation. And I hoped that the saying was true, that a painful truth is indeed better than a pleasant lie.

I hesitated an instant on following her, making sure that she came back to her place safe and sound, but I decided against it. I already had pushed too much, and we had just found ourselves again… And I already ruined that in a way. My lack of sleep was getting out of hand and I didn’t trust my actions and reactions after this impromptu kiss. 

So, with guilt and angst in me, I walked back to my apartment. I didn’t have too much work today, and the idea of taking a nap was very present in my mind. And it’s what I did. I didn’t even bother to go to bed, I just collapsed on the couch.

I didn’t remember my dreams, but one thing I knew for sure: Lena was in it. Unfortunately, I was convinced that the rest of the Luthors had been in it too… 

It had only been a few hours, less than a day really, that Lena came back, but she already was the only thing that mattered in my mind. Just like she was before all of this. And to be honest, just like she was even during these last months, which my sanity didn’t totally appreciate. 

Looking at the clock I realized that I had slept more than 10 hours: the sun was soon going to go to sleep itself. I was almost surprised to have slept so much! Of course, it was only a matter of time until I collapsed for a few hours of sleep since it had been some time that I didn’t sleep well. This night doing nothing to help this. But in the meantime, with all that happened since the day before, I wouldn’t have bet that I would have been able to sleep this long, this well too. Even though the dream that I must have had didn’t feel so much as a good one and more as a nightmare of some kind, who must have fed on my fears and worry, and probably anger too. From it, my chest was still aching, my heart was still beating rapidly. I felt dizzy, and my mind felt lost in the many emotions that must have been in this nightmare. 

Opening my laptop I decided to work at least a little, just to say that I had. I couldn’t concentrate long enough though, and soon, I found myself checking my phone. Nothing there. Nothing in the news either that could distract me. I didn’t know what I was looking for exactly, what I was expecting. I just wanted to have something to put my mind on that wasn’t Lena… or the kiss. 

The latter came back to my mind at full speed, and I found myself remembering it vividly. It was so calming, so true, so… special. She was by far not the first person I had kissed in my life, but she was the first that felt this good. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt so perfect that I already knew: I would never be able to forget it. Maybe it was the reaction of my mind discovering my love for her, maybe it was the adrenaline of the kiss coming up in my mind, but I couldn’t help but think that she was the one. That she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman I wanted to sleep with, make love to, cook for, and just love eternally. I was sure of this, but yeah… maybe it was my sleepy mind that made me want it this bad… or maybe it was the truth. Either way, I now needed to wait for her to be ready, for her to feel the same way. 

Some days passed, some weeks even, but what had happened during those days didn’t leave my mind. It was always there, like some ghostly presence in the back of my mind, just an inch away from overwhelming me again. Lena had always been present in my head, but now… It was even worse than before. We didn’t see each other since the day of the kiss, we didn’t speak either, or at least, not really. The only times I managed to get some words out of her was when we were emailing each other about our latest Leviathan and Lex finds. I knew I needed to let her breathe, to give her some space, but it was still hard to do, still hard to keep doing everything else, to keep moving forward, when she was still out there. 

Slowly, I rose from my bed, rubbing my tired eyes and hopefully glancing at my phone. She still hasn't reached for me… And this knowledge hurted me a little more each morning. I knew I couldn't really do anything about this right now, and so, like each morning, I started my daily life. What I didn't expect, however, was to hear sounds right behind my front door. What astonished me even more was to open it and see her. 

_ She _ was here. 

At first, I froze. How? Why? What was she doing here? Had something happened? Of course, no explanation came from her, at least not as soon as my racing heart would have hoped. Letting her in, I couldn’t help but have a deja-vu sensation. I had my heart racing, my mind blurring, like when she came to my home some weeks before; she was playing with her fingers, her eyes locked on the floor, her breath cut short by her anxiety, just like she had when she came here last time.

It felt like an eternity, but finally, she turned and faced me. I was still standing by the door, too frightened by what she was going to say to move. She seemed to sense it and I saw her face illuminate a little at this thought. When she finally spoke, I felt as if my legs couldn’t hold me anymore.

“I’m ready.”

Frozen at my spot, I couldn’t do anything but see her hiding a smile and moving toward me. When we were only inches apart, she took my hands in hers, like I so many times did to her, and, leaning forward, she whispered in my ear…

“I’m ready to be loved.”

This was all that I needed to start functioning again. I looked her in her eyes, trying to read them one last time before taking this leap of faith, and love, with her. Her big green eyes were the incarnation of an emerald reflecting the majesty of the sun rays, and I knew, in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, that all that I was feeling these last weeks wasn’t just an illusion: 

She was  _ the one _ .

She  _ was _ . 

And even if maybe it turns out one day that she wasn’t, this wouldn’t matter. Right now, she was the one; right now, she was the only one I wanted. She was the woman I wanted to grow old with, the one I wanted to marry, the one I one day maybe would want to have kids with. She was the only one that made sense for me. My mind giggled a little at the thought. After all, this meant that a Luthor and a Super would be together, happy, and loving each other more than what the world would ever deem possible. I realized then that even though I one day could have feared what the other could say about her, about me, about us too, I now was at peace with this. She was the one, she was who I was in love with, and nothing,  _ no one _ , could ever separate us. At least I hoped so. I had hope, I wanted to and I had it, but some part of me was still afraid of what would happen next. After all, I could tell myself that nothing and no one would ever break us apart again, but who was I to expect such a thing? I was Supergirl, she was a Luthor. I had my enemies, she had her family. We both shared traumas, and we both were reluctant to talk about them. We weren’t so different after all, but none of us could predict the future. So as much as I hoped that we would be together until the end of times, I knew that, maybe, this wouldn’t be true… This idea made my heart ache, and I hated myself for thinking of this when everything was just starting, when I finally had her in my arms, had her in my life. I knew I needed to just stay in the moment, take as much of it as I could, and I was, but the fear in the back of my mind was still there, hanging like a threat to my happiness, to  _ our _ happiness. After all, Lex was still out there, Leviathan too, and I wasn’t a fool as to what the Luthor heir was trying to do by turning Lena against me. As much as I loved her, as much as I trusted her, I knew that her brother would do everything in his power to keep us apart, to break her, again and again. To kill me. I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything about him right now, but the fear of his threat kept lingering in my mind.

Locking her face between my hands, I couldn’t help but let a little laugh escape my mouth, and, keeping our eyes locked, I started to go for it, kissing her like it was the first time. 

When finally we separated, out of breath and cheeks red, I couldn’t help but admire her beauty once again. Suddenly I felt it, every fear that would have clouded my mind just mere seconds before had just vanished. All that was left was the realisation of the depths of my love for her. My heart ached, almost pleasantly this time, thinking about how I would protect her, how I would be there for her, how I would be everything she never had in her life. How I would love her without fears, without judgment, without everything she knew during her life. How I would help her overcome her past, overcome her fears, overcome her doubts. 

How I would simply love her.

But despite all of this, my mind just couldn’t believe what was happening right now. After all that had happened these last few months, and what had happened a few weeks before, I was submerged by everything, and the only logical reaction was then for me to hug her, to hold her tight between my arms, hoping she could sense every ounce of love I had for her in it, just like I could see every last bit of love she felt for me each time I looked at her green and shiny eyes.

“I’m ready to love you.”

When I whispered this in her ear, I heard her let out a small sob, carried out by a sigh, and so I tightened my hold on her. She wasn’t used to being loved, she wasn’t even less used to people telling her they loved her, but now that I was here, now that she had decided to let me in, I was going to show her what it meant to be truly and unconditionally loved.

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Fanvid] The Abyss of Her Pain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737285) by [kswhateverspace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kswhateverspace/pseuds/kswhateverspace)




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